Chemo Sucks, But...

So grateful that this week is basically over! It's been a long week. The lady at the cancer center who scheduled my mom's appointment was definitely right: that first day would be filled with a lot of education!

Mom's first round of chemo started Monday after blood work and a visit with her oncologist. Walking into the outpatient chemotherapy room was like cattle being herded into milking stalls. And that's about what it looked like too. As you walk through the corridor, there are stalls with nice reclining chairs. All the patients are hooked up to IVs that, instead of milking, provide them with their assigned meds. It's a long process. My mom has two different kinds of chemo on Monday then one kind on Tuesday and Wednesday.

She's not had any bad side effects and I'm grateful for that because I'm a sympathy puker. We have an awesome patient advocate there who has done everything possible to assist us with getting the $900 anti-nausea medicine for $10, getting her inhaler for free, and getting us some transportation grants. She's also working on getting my mom's actual chemo medications for free from the company that manufactures them!

I'm grateful for "Perfect Strangers". Not just the ones that I've met online through the SHMC but even the strangers at the outpatient center. The RNs and other staff are wonderful. They're very understanding. Mom had an emotional break when we walked into the outpatient chemo center on Monday. The front desk lady, Betsy, just took her hand and told her it was alright to cry. Then she came around and gave my mom a hug. And has hugged her everytime we've been in this week! What kindness from a stranger!

Today is a day off and it'll be filled with more paperwork to get stuff lined out. If I never have to see a shred of paper that has to be filled out for something, it'll still be too soon. But I know it's not over.

My mom doesn't go back for her next treatment for almost 3 weeks and since she's feeling well, my sister and I are going to take her to the beach for a few days. This will be the first time that my mom gets to go with us to our special place: Tybee Island, Georgia. And she'll get to experience it with the grandbabies too. It'll be extra special. We'll have lots of pictures to post when we get back. We leave Tuesday!

Somedays things don't really seem as bad as they are. We know the reality of the situation but are hopeful and continue praying that God will grant us a miracle for my mom. We take everything in stride and truly celebrate even the smallest positivity we get. We stopped by a store yesterday to pick up something small for my sister's birthda today. I found a brand of cards called "One Tough Chick" and they were awesome. I showed my mom one of the cards they had.

Inside: But if it sucks the cancer right out of you, then "YAY, chemo!"

With love, I accept this journey

It's amazing how one word can turn your life upside down. As I've embarked on my journey to becoming my very best this year, I am faced with another new challenge. This morning, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We don't know details yet as to what kind or even how bad, but I know it's bad. There are tumors in her lymph nodes, a lung, and her back which means it has spread from an original source. It's terrifying and a true kick in the gut for our entire family. And it's a nightmare come true for my mother as she has seen many people at the end stages of cancer, and held their hands or that of their families as the cancer took their loved one.

See my mom is a CNA in a nursing home. It's been her job for over 20 years to care for people, older people, who are near the end stages of their lives. She provides care and love to the residents and their families. And she does her job well! The residents and their families become extended families of hers, thus extended families of mine and my sister's as well.

Two weeks ago, my dad's life was saved by an ER doctor at Cox when an ulcer was bleeding. After 8 pints of blood and a blood-stopping endoscopy treatment, he is home and still recovering. Two weeks to the day that my dad was there, now it's my mom. Simple leg pain that we hadn't been able to find answers as to why it was there. The diagnosis is nothing that we expected but nothing we can't handle either.

I've seen the outpouring of love and support from my friends on Facebook, and from countless people who don't even know me or my family. And for that I can't be more grateful. But my journey to the best me in 2010, to find my Perfect '10 has just gotten turned on it's nose and will challenge everything within me.

I am not the strong one I appear to be. I'm the baby. I'm the one that cries at everything and can't even have a "discussion" without getting emotional. I'm not built that way. I've learned a lot through my journey to find myself again, but I'm not there yet. And I'm scared. And I have to be strong because I get the emotional side of me from my mom. If I'm not strong, she will see that. And she needs my support. She needs to stop being the one taking care of everybody else.

I've made my mom one promise that I intend to keep. My mother loves her hair and the possibilities of losing it to treatments upsets her. I promised my mom that if she loses her hair that I will lose mine as well. That is the one part of her journey that she doesn't have to ever feel alone in. I told her that if that's what it comes to then we will celebrate with having photos done together in our naked heads. The smile on her face radiated from her heart.

For the past 8 months, I have diligently searched for a job. I have been angry and upset and discouraged by not getting hired for one I've interviewed for or for ones that I was never called for an interview when I've been well qualified for the jobs. Now I know why. God has a purpose for everything. This is only a small part of my purpose of the things I've been through over the last 8 months to get me in this place to provide support, encouragement, and loving hand to my mom. I'm needed here. God knows that.

With patience, I will be understanding. With my own support systems in place, I will be strong. With love, I accept this journey.

Kathy

Learning How it ALL Works Together

As you can tell by now, this journey isn't simple. I have some very lofty goals and all you've seen are just one from different aspects of my life. Some of them seem very daunting and some seem pretty simple to obtain. But what I've learned over this fabulous weekend is how they all work together. I will never be my best without all of them coming together. As one goal comes together for me, another one starts to line out as well. I couldn't be more happy with the way that works!

I participated in my second 5K on Saturday with 6 other fabulous Smokin' Hot Mamas. Though my time wasn't anything to brag about (43 minutes 15 seconds), it was braggable simply because:

1) I finished my 2nd 5K! How cool is that?! Since high school, I haven't purposely competed in or completed anything athletic by any means.

2) My time decreased by almost exactly 6 minutes. And that in itself is a great feat for me since I am still out of shape, overweight, and haven't quite come to love running.

3) I ran out that last 10th of a mile with every bit of strength I had. I wasn't just running toward a finish line to get the hell off the road but to finish something I set my mind to!

I also got the book "Women Who Love Too Much" from one of my fellow SHMs. I immediately started reading it when I got home. Wow! I am reading a book that is my life written by someone else. What an eye opener for me to learn why I do the things I do, and how I ended up in the relationship situation I've ended up in. And why, even though I KNOW I can't go back to being abused, used, or unloved in any manner, I am still having a hard time letting the relationship go, 8 months later!

In evaluating everything that happened this weekend, I've realized those aren't the only two things are are changing:

I've found a church! (Thanks Pamela for the suggestion)

I'm quitting smoking!

I will will reach my first mini weighloss goal very soon, possibly this Friday!

I've started my graphic design business!

I'm moving a sticky goal on the 16th for my first 5 mile run/walk!

I'm even getting better at taking a daily photo of my daughter, even if she is just sleeping, to celebrate every day that I have with her because she is such a miracle child!

These all work together in making 2010 my Perfect '10. I'm nowhere near where I will be come New Year's Eve, but I'm getting there. Day by day and step by step. It's onward and upward and I am...

Kat