The Weight of the Matter

I will never be skinny. I wasn't blessed with good genes for ripped abs and tight muscles. I have a flat wide butt that isn't really gonna get much smaller because I've got very womanly hips. I don't want to be skinny. Curvy with less fat is my goal now, especially the belly fat.

When I was 12 and puberty struck, I was horrified by the little belly pudge that I started to get. I was embarrassed by it. When high school started, I weighed 152 pounds but gained over 30 pounds in one summer of lifting weights for volleyball. I thought people only saw the fat and didn't see the fact that I could vertically lift 220 pounds with just my legs.

When I started college, the freshman 15 became the college 40 for me. Then marriage and pregnancy brought on the additional 20 pounds. I weighed 242 pounds in January of 2009. I started at the gym and lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I watched what I ate, even measured my food. I did great for 3 months, until life threw a curveball and I left my husband for a week for the first time. When I went back, I was more worried about getting my marriage on track than I was about my health and losing the weight. Afterall, he had married me at 220. In September, I left him permanently. I was still hovering around 225 pounds.

Through encouragement of the SHMC, I've started running. I'm working on making better food choices. I'm not perfect and sometimes it just doesn't go my way. I'm a stress eater (and smoker, at least until my quit date). But the weight is coming off.

When I started my journey this year, I weighed around 225. I have a lofty goal of losing 73 pounds to put me at my lowest weight I ever remember weighing - 152. It's a slow progress for me. And some weeks I gain back what I've lost depending on what's going on in my life. Now, I have 64 pounds to go. I managed my weight down to 216.2 pounds in the last 3 weeks, since weighing in at 224.6 pounds. My pants are so loose, I can pull down almost every pair I have without unbuttoning them. Even my underwear fall down, especially when I run. Shirts are less tight around my chest. Sadly, my boobs are going quickly. But when I look down, I see my boobs, not my boobs and belly so that's a plus even if my boobs are shrinking at an incredible rate.

I'm happy. I'm proud of myself. I'm running the weight off and running toward new goals. My first "sticky goal" will be moved very soon. Only 1.2 pounds to go to my first manageable sticky goal. Boy am I excited. Next will be the sticky goal to put me under the 200's. A place I haven't been in a long time. My second 5K is tomorrow and I've already made a list of 5Ks and a 10K that I get to do this summer. My friends are involved with my life change. And I've made some fabulous new friends in the process too who are all improving their lives as well.

It's not just weight that I'm losing, but a frame of mind that I don't deserve the best for myself and my daughter as well. I'm gaining self-respect, self-confidence, and much needed self-love. The weight isn't the matter, it's the inside that is.

I'm not there yet, but I will be...

How Hard am I Actually Working to Meet My Goals?

Several months ago, I set goals for my "Perfect '10". I'm not very diligent at meeting those goals so far this year, but for once I haven't given up either. To increase my accountability, I'm putting the Top Goal from each category and where I'm at. This is a very open message to myself that 4 months into the year, I need to refocus and regroup with myself about these goals!

Career

1. Start a graphic design/photography/party planning business

Okay, so thanks to encouragement and support from the SHMC, I have actually started this! Sent in my paperwork to the State of Missouri this morning and started a website (kathymageedesigns.blogspot.com).

Financial Goals

1. Save money for deposits and rent for my first apartment.

I didn't do this when I got my tax return in. I knew I wouldn't. Something about all that dough and nothing to show for it seems so appealing at the time that I'm spending it! Okay, not really. Maybe my first financial goal should be to set a budget! Not that I have any income right now, but it wouldn't hurt to have a plan for when I do.

Physical Goals

1. Lose 70 pounds.

I'm nowhere closer to this goal yet. I've dropped 5 or 10 pounds, then gained it back. I am toning up or something because my panties and bottoms are looser.

Mental Goals

1. Find a reason to laugh every day.

I think this one I have in the bag now. My daughter is the best at finding ways to make me laugh. Now, I'm trying to start taking my daily photos to remember those moments!

Family Goals

1. Spend at least one night a week focused on Sheryl.

I'm bad about this, to completely focus on her for an entire evening with so many people in the house. But I have been doing some fun stuff with her that we didn't do before. She's addicted to Mac and Cheese that's microwavable. For the 3 1/2 minutes that it's cooking, we dance and sing in the kitchen. Sheryl's version of Sugarland's "All I Wanna Do" is now one of my favorite audio recordings on my phone!

Spiritual Goals

1. Find a church I'm comfortable with.

This is a super hard one for me. I've been to a couple of churches a couple of times, but haven't found my fit yet.

Lifestyle Goals

1. Get my own place.

Well, this one isn't happening right now. I've got no income and virtually no job prospects.

Hmmmm, looking at these goals that I've had since before the new year and seeing that for my number one in each, I haven't really accomplished much is rather disappointing. I'm disappointed in myself because I know that I can do all of these. Something's stopping me...is it time? money? effort? willpower? lack of initiative?

I could say. I know what the excuse is, but it's just an excuse.

*Note to self: Get off your lazy ass Kathy and do something...change something...anything. Stop acting as if you're gonna get somewhere by doing nothing. It's not gonna happen. You know that, woman! Make the most out of each day. Stop complaining! Work hard and play hard. Take your time and do it right! You can make it happen!*

Anyway, here's to another week of working toward my goals. Now that I've given myself a little pep talk and we're seeing eye to eye of what I want to accomplish, it's back at it. Stronger, harder, faster, better.

-Kat

What I Need

A few weeks ago, I met with a friend for dinner and we talked about our mutual relationship problems. She was recommended a book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. In talking about the book and my relationships with men, it became apparent that this is a book that I need to read. I think it's going to become a pass-around book as I'm waiting to receive it from her when she finishes it, and I can already think of the next person it's going to when I'm done. But in the meantime, I've decided to do some research on what exactly it means to be a woman who loves too much because I always had the ideal that you can never have too much love or love someone too much.

There's a list of 15 characteristics of women who love to much. And I was shocked to figure out that I consist of 13 of those 15 characteristics. I have found that two of them sum up my role in relationships over the course of my entire dating life, starting 14 years ago when I was 16.

1. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.

I'm a smart woman, but I am drawn to men who live chaotic lives. Focusing on their chaos allowed me since my first boyfriend at 16 (who was on house arrest by the way) to not have to look myself in the mirror and face my insecurities of not feeling pretty or attractive. I'm drawn to men who need fixing. I seem to think that if I love him enough, he will change because of me. I believe love has that power. But it's just an avoidance mechanism of not facing my own responsibility to myself.

2. If female, you are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such nice men boring.

In high school, I broke the heart of a friend because I wasn't attracted to him the same way he was to me because he was kind, stable, reliable, an interested in me. As a friend, we got along great, but as relationship potential there wasn't any because I found him boring. In college, I dated a wonderful guy for a few weeks. He was kind, stable, reliable, and definitely interested in me, but I found something lacking in that relationship as well. I was bored. I had nothing to do. I didn't see the relationship going anywhere because I wasn't needed by him to make his life better. I left that boring relationship to pursue an emotionally unavailable guy, who simply used me for several years in college.

Then I met my husband right after I graduated college. He was divorcing, had a son, was unemployed, and was emotionally challenged. I again thought I could help him. I could change him and he would love me. Even throughout our marriage, I can look back and see all the times I tried to change him. How I pushed for what I thought was best. And how in the last 7 months, I still have problems letting go of that relationship even though I know it's detrimental to my well-being, and even in some ways, his. We used to joke throughout our marriage that at least we could never say it was boring.

In the few times I've attempted to date since I've been separated, I find myself drawn to those same type of men who aren't boring but aren't emotionally available to me either. The bad boys, you know those ones who have a past that you probably don't really want to know about. The ones your Mama warned you about. The ones who are going to leave me in their ruins as they pass through.

I absolutely love the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a beautiful story of a woman, Gigi, who is trying to find love. She over-analyzes everything she does and everything men do. Like Gigi, with everything that happens with a man, I call and collect opinions from all of my girlfriends to get their opinions on what's going on in my life: keeper, get rid of him, hold out for a little while, check into him more, slow down and see where it goes. And I'm constantly watching for the signs of whether or not he's really into me. And I have to say I'm completely clueless.

I'm clueless because if I'm interested in him, I want him to be interested in me. That's the way it's supposed to go. And my interest in a man causes me to conduct myself in a manner that is pattern specific to women who love too much. I do all of this because I want to be loved and right now my view of love means that I am needed by someone else. I'm a good person (and one of these emotionally-unavailable-to-me men even said on the good person scale of 1 to 10, I'm an 87) and know what it is I deserve. Even one of my favorite songs "What I Need" reminds me that I should just hold out instead of trying so hard to convince him of how great I am:

"What I want is to hold you, because my world without you is just another lonely place to be. But what I need is to hold out, until you have no doubt there's only one love for you and it's me. So, I'll be strong, 'til you can believe in what I need."

But I still find myself following the patterns of being a woman who loves too much...

I accept sex when I want love

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long

I attempt to convince others of what they ‘should’ think and how they ‘truly’ feel

I become resentful when others will not let me help them

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires

I have difficulty making decisions

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never ‘good enough’

I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want

I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own

I'm waiting for the tools I need to change this about myself. I'm embarking on another new journey, a journey to relearn how to love without loving too much. I'm looking at my knowledge of my relationship habits as being in recovery from an addiction. I'm addicted to the pain, the chaos, the drama, the love I give. I have to stop expecting that in a relationship. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not put myself through the emotional hell that I do. Admitting is the first step to changing this within myself...

Always Running

Since Sunday, I haven't run. At least not on the track anyway. I am always running. I'm either running to something, from something, and on occasion I'm known to run my mouth! This week was no different. Tuesday was spent running to the phone to call 9-1-1 to get an ambulance for my dad. Wednesday was spent running from my emotions of being scared that we might lose my dad and running to my phone to update anyone and everyone who loves my dad. Thursday, I ran to an old "friend" for comfort and I ran straight into complication with his "you know I love you to pieces, right?" Friday, I ran around getting ready for my dad to come home. And tomorrow I will start running on the track again!

What am I really running from? A post on the Smokin' Hot Mama Club's website (http://www.smokinhotmamaclub.com/) was just what I needed to read today to make myself stop and think about what I'm really running from. I'm challenged with "cutting the crap" and being real! That's one tough challenge for a woman who takes pride in being able to hide behind the crap and cover up everything I don't want people to know about me. So in true Smokin' Hot Mama style, I'm posting my list of insecurities here on my blog! *deep breaths*

This is me, Kathy Magee...

• I have a bachelor's degree that I have never used (and $60,000 in student loan debt I don't know how to pay for). I'm two classes and an internship shy of a Master's degree. And I don't want to finish it. I don't even know if the criminal justice field appeals to me!


• I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and shave my face because of it. I have dark brown hairs growing on my chin and my neck and I get a 5 o'clock shadow if I'm not meticulous in the hair removal.


• I am a woman who loves too much. And I love the wrong kind of men. And I have a hard time giving up on the wrong relationship because I think if I just love him enough, the way he needs to be loved, then he can change. And I will get my happily ever after fairytale when he changes and when he sees how great I am. I will bend over backward to make that happen. I've even used sex in an attempt to keep a relationship that I knew was doomed.


• I have never felt pretty for more than a few hours. My hair, makeup, clothes, and shoes have to be perfect for me to experience a brief moment of happiness in how I look. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror but I will pick over every single flaw for minutes at a time every time I look in the mirror. I just can't see what others tell me is there.


• I doubt myself every single day for every single decision I ever make. I require reassurance from other people. I'm scared of how I'm screwing up my daughter's life every single day. And I'm scared I will never get my life on track.


• I have a convertible that's back window is duct-taped to keep the water out. The seals around the doors leak too. I keep a blanket on the seats to cover up the food and drink stains. I have trash piled on the floors, including fast food bags, half-drank bottles of mountain dew, and empty packs of cigarettes. I'm embarrassed by my lack of concern for taking care of the appearance of my car.


• I get angry easy. At my parents, at my child, at friends, at cars on the road, at life in general. I yell and cuss a lot. On occasion, I've been known to throw things.

These are things I run from by hiding them behind a facade of fake confidence, fake smiles, and fake happiness. I'm not sure how I'll learn to embrace or change (if that's what this journey leads me to do) these insecurities just yet. But I know I can't run from them when they are written out and available for anyone and everyone to read. I can't run from them when I truly look inside myself at what makes me insecure.

I do for once know what I'm running to. I'm running to a new life, a new perspective on being a woman and a mother. I'm running to fabulous friends for support and encouragement every time I need it. I'm running to kiss my daughter as many times a day as I can and tell her I love her. I'm running to my goals, one slow step at a time.

Always running isn't always bad.

Day 2 of 28 to a Healthy Life

For as long as I can remember, I've been smoking. I never planned on being a smoker, mostly because my parents were smokers and it never seemed appealing to me. I got a job in the fall of 1997 working at Sonic in a nearby town. Girls there smoked; the friend that I rode with smoked. So, I started. Man it helped with stress. I didn't realize 13 years later, I would still be smoking.

In my path of self-rediscovery, I am embarking on becoming a non-smoker once again. I quit while pregnant with my daughter. I quit again after having my daughter when I did aricular therapy. This lasted for 3 months. I tried again in January of 2010 to quit cold turkey and it didn't even last a day.

I'm running now. And running a lot...okay, walking a lot and running a little. My lungs can't take it. I've put 12.5 miles on my $50 running shoes in the past week. I have a 5K on May 1st, another one in July, a 10K in August, and my first ever 1/2 marathon in October. I HAVE to quit smoking.

I'm an all-the-way-in kinda girl. I jump without looking. When I'm set, there's no hesitation. So, why am I hesitating on this? Can I really not live a life without the puffing on a cigarette when I'm bored, when I'm driving, when I'm talking on the phone? That can't be! I won't let it be!

I'm a list maker for everything. And I'm also one of those people who believes if you don't write it down, it didn't happen. So, if I don't write it down, it won't happen. I've vowed in front of over 2500 Smokin' Hot Mamas that I will be smoke free come May 13th. I've constructed by 28 Days to a Healthy Life schedule. I'm on day 2. And even though I'm allowed my standard pack-a-day today, I have a goal of no more than 16 because that's what I smoked yesterday on the first day of the healthy life journey to stop smoking.

I will be a non-smoker on May 13th. I will have run my 2nd 5K come May 13th. I will be getting better with each passing day.

My Journey

When I was little girl, I dreamed of going to college and getting out of the tiny town I lived in. I worked hard throughout high school to get scholarships to college. I worked hard through college to get my degree. I didn't know my life would turn upside down in a moment and I would be back living not just in that tiny town, but that tiny 2-bedroom house of my parents along with 5 other people, my daughter included. But here I am...

Without all those things I thought I would have by the time I turned 30 a month ago! I'm divorcing. I'm jobless. I live with my parents. The only property I have are two suitcases of clothes, a car, and a room full of my daughter's toys. Oh, I have a cell phone. Even the computer I'm using isn't mine. I have no privacy, no space, and no time to be sitting around bitching about the things I don't have.

What I do have is the most fabulous group of women supporting me along my journey. These women include my sister and best friends that I've known forever. But they also include an enormous group of women, most of whom I've never even met. I didn't know that this group would be changing my life simply by forcing me to look at my life differently.

So, this is my journey. My journey to find me again. I'm working on the physical me through running. I will complete my 2nd 5K on May 1st. I will complete my first half marathon on October 10th. My official stop smoking day is May 13th! I'm working on the mental me through reworking my brain to be positive and to stop being self-loathing and angry. I'm figuring out how to change this woman who loves too much and always hopes that man or this friend will change to be what I need. I'm working on the spiritual me through reading and reflection. I believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I have a hard time finding the handle!

I hope that you will come along with me on my journey. I'll tell more about myself as I post where I'm at in my journey. I'm working hard on myself for me and my beautiful 4 year old daughter. I'm not there yet...but I will be!