Always Running

Since Sunday, I haven't run. At least not on the track anyway. I am always running. I'm either running to something, from something, and on occasion I'm known to run my mouth! This week was no different. Tuesday was spent running to the phone to call 9-1-1 to get an ambulance for my dad. Wednesday was spent running from my emotions of being scared that we might lose my dad and running to my phone to update anyone and everyone who loves my dad. Thursday, I ran to an old "friend" for comfort and I ran straight into complication with his "you know I love you to pieces, right?" Friday, I ran around getting ready for my dad to come home. And tomorrow I will start running on the track again!

What am I really running from? A post on the Smokin' Hot Mama Club's website (http://www.smokinhotmamaclub.com/) was just what I needed to read today to make myself stop and think about what I'm really running from. I'm challenged with "cutting the crap" and being real! That's one tough challenge for a woman who takes pride in being able to hide behind the crap and cover up everything I don't want people to know about me. So in true Smokin' Hot Mama style, I'm posting my list of insecurities here on my blog! *deep breaths*

This is me, Kathy Magee...

• I have a bachelor's degree that I have never used (and $60,000 in student loan debt I don't know how to pay for). I'm two classes and an internship shy of a Master's degree. And I don't want to finish it. I don't even know if the criminal justice field appeals to me!


• I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and shave my face because of it. I have dark brown hairs growing on my chin and my neck and I get a 5 o'clock shadow if I'm not meticulous in the hair removal.


• I am a woman who loves too much. And I love the wrong kind of men. And I have a hard time giving up on the wrong relationship because I think if I just love him enough, the way he needs to be loved, then he can change. And I will get my happily ever after fairytale when he changes and when he sees how great I am. I will bend over backward to make that happen. I've even used sex in an attempt to keep a relationship that I knew was doomed.


• I have never felt pretty for more than a few hours. My hair, makeup, clothes, and shoes have to be perfect for me to experience a brief moment of happiness in how I look. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror but I will pick over every single flaw for minutes at a time every time I look in the mirror. I just can't see what others tell me is there.


• I doubt myself every single day for every single decision I ever make. I require reassurance from other people. I'm scared of how I'm screwing up my daughter's life every single day. And I'm scared I will never get my life on track.


• I have a convertible that's back window is duct-taped to keep the water out. The seals around the doors leak too. I keep a blanket on the seats to cover up the food and drink stains. I have trash piled on the floors, including fast food bags, half-drank bottles of mountain dew, and empty packs of cigarettes. I'm embarrassed by my lack of concern for taking care of the appearance of my car.


• I get angry easy. At my parents, at my child, at friends, at cars on the road, at life in general. I yell and cuss a lot. On occasion, I've been known to throw things.

These are things I run from by hiding them behind a facade of fake confidence, fake smiles, and fake happiness. I'm not sure how I'll learn to embrace or change (if that's what this journey leads me to do) these insecurities just yet. But I know I can't run from them when they are written out and available for anyone and everyone to read. I can't run from them when I truly look inside myself at what makes me insecure.

I do for once know what I'm running to. I'm running to a new life, a new perspective on being a woman and a mother. I'm running to fabulous friends for support and encouragement every time I need it. I'm running to kiss my daughter as many times a day as I can and tell her I love her. I'm running to my goals, one slow step at a time.

Always running isn't always bad.