I'm Gettin' There

It's amazing to me how much I respond to music. Whether it's getting ready to party with the girls and dancing to some Lady Gaga with my Baby Gaga or sitting back and relaxing to more mellow music of some 80s love ballads, music speaks to me.

When I was a teenager, I first heard Lila McCann do an acoustic version of "I Will Be," the inspiring song for my blog. I still remember exactly how I felt listening to her sing the words to the song. It's my all-tme favorite song now, so I scoured the internet for a video of the song to post to help inspire others.

Though I couldn't find the song, I came across this song of her's that I had never heard before. The song struck with me well today as I was very emotional, for no apparent reason. I just wanted to share it with any of you who are following along my journey and traveling your own journey of "getting there" as well.

Everything Happens for a Reason

It's been a while since I posted to my blog. Life has been extremely busy, so I'm gonna get caught up now, before I get busy working on some more stuff to finish out this extremely busy month!

I am not a religious person. I believe in God and I believe in the power of prayer. I have my other spiritual beliefs as well, but I'm not here to discuss religion, other than I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for things that happen in our lives. Everything happens for a reason; sometimes it takes a long time for us to see what that reason is, if we ever really get to.

I've had a lot of things happen in my short 30 years on Earth. And I'm dealing with a lot of them now. I spoke with an older relative today who told me if anyone deserved a mental breakdown, I definitely do. I'm living a life of events that cause major depression in many people. I took an online "Life Stress Score" and my score was 488. The section I'm in is for 300 and above..."High susceptibility to stress-related illness. Daily practice of relaxation skills is very important for your wellness. Take care of it now before a serious illness erupts or an affliction becomes worse." Surprise, surprise!

But I also know that everything happens for a reason. I'm here for a reason that God put me here to deal with these issues now. And to possibly mend the relationship with my mother that has suffered because of a selfish act she commited 16 years ago. And the goal is to do all this without being resentful. Somedays I'm angry because I am my mother's "person" right now. I'm the one who takes her to all of her appointments, gets her medicines filled, and calls to make sure her insurance information has been updated on the massive pile of bills. I have to be strong for her after years of her choosing selfishly to not put my sister or me first in her life. It's been hard because she is a good person. She worked as a CNA for many years, caring for strangers, but I was also devestated that these strangers received more care and concern than me or my sister did from her. A good friend of mine told me that I am here to do this, to be her "person", so that MY daughter will see what it means to forgive and to see how love is supposed to be. Maybe this is happening so I learn how to forgive.

I'm also in contact with someone now who has not been in my life for the past 17 years. It's a great friendship and we are here for each other as we go through different but similar issues in our lives. That connection we had when we were 13 years old is still here. As everyone says, if it's meant to be it will be and everything happens for a reason. It's not a situation I want to involve myself in as more than a friend at this time, but I will say a beautiful friendship is growing. We've even had disagreements that did not become heated arguments. That's pretty good for me. Maybe the reason this is happening is for me to learn patience.

After 10 long months of questioning myself for leaving my husband I recently realized that it has led me to where I am right now. And as everything happens for a reason, it is much easier to accept and realize that that part of my life is over. And that finally, I no longer wish and hope to have it back. Finally, we are able to work together as co-parents of our daughter instead of battling each other over every little thing. Letting go of that relationship and that love that I had has released me to move forward with less anger. Ten months ago, I never thought I would get to this place, but now that I'm here, looking back on the last 10 months, I know that they happened for a reason.

The reason everything happens is often not clear to us as we're going through our journeys of life. I think sometimes you have to take a step back from your own life and look at it through someone else's perspective. There is always a reason. Finding the reason behind it all can make the hard knocks of life easier to deal with. I don't know if my "reasonings" are the same reasons in God's design, but I'm able to better manage the roller coaster of my own life. While still smiling.

Loving my life,
Kat

Blessed by Being Famous in a Small Town

Living in a small town community, I often take for granted living in a small town community. Sometimes it's great that everybody knows your name and sometimes you just want your own space. I can't go anywhere in this town without somebody asking how my mom's doing with her treatment and at least once a week someone who stops me at the store has tears in their eyes as they talk about my mom. It's emotionally draining. And I'm reminded by Miranda Lambert's song "Famous in a Small Town" that there are both good and bad about living in small town community.

But we are BLESSED by living in a small town. The ladies that worked with my mom at the nursing home put together a benefit dinner and auction for this past Saturday. As people gathered in for the dinner, I was more than proud of the community that I live in; I was so happy that this is where we live. More than 60 families were in attendance at my mom's benefit. I was overcome with emotion as I watched families who live in our rural area, who often live paycheck to paycheck, donate large sums of money and purchase items at the auction for a rediculously high amount. Tears streamed down my face as I watched in awe of these wonderful people in our lives. I literally had to take an emotional break from the room and thank God for the gift of our small town.

Another part of the small town community is that you actually build bonds with people around you. Like I said earlier, I can't go anywhere without people asking me about my mom or telling me stories of my mom and how she has affected their lives by taking care of a family member when she worked at the nursing home. Even the Police Chief came by the benefit, still in uniform of course. The outpouring of love and support of these great people cannot be compared to that of any other place, I don't think. We're blessed by being here.

The goal of the benefit was to assist us in covering my mom's medical costs and travel expenses. This great community provided our family with that and more. It did my mom's spirits good to see how many people care about her and were willing to do whatever to help us in whatever way they could. What a true blessing.

Thanks will never be enough.

Sissy Pushups!

So I met on Wednesday with my new personal trainer, Mr. Smokin' Hot (ironically enough S and H are his initials). He is a friend of mine, is very athletically built and has personally ran a full marathon. He's been supportive and enouraging since he learned that I was running my first 5K back in February. When I shaved 6 minutes off my time during my second 5K in May, he was so proud of me. Now I have my 1/2 marathon in October that I'm starting training for AND the physical test in August for the Springfield Police Department to get into their academy.

I'm not physically fit. I haven't been in a long time, if ever, but I'm getting better every day. Every day I get out and do something active but now it's time to step up my game! On Sunday, August 15, 2010, I will be tested and must pass each section to move onto the next section of the physical agility test:

15 push-ups (no time limit)
24 sit-ups in one minute
Minimum vertical jump of 13 inches
300 meter run in a maximum time of 97 seconds
1½ mile run in a maximum time of 18:29

So today is day one and it's nothing but a bunch of sissy pushups and situps and jumping up stairs. I speed walked 2 miles this morning with a friend. I mapped out my 300 meter run (just under .2 miles, on a completely flat roadway). I just finished up my second of three sets of sissy pushups and situps and still have my third to do later this evening. I'm waiting for this Sunday to roll around to be forced to RUN the full 2 miles because I gave up on myself Thursday morning, even though I accomplished a major feat in running up a hill that feels to me like a mountain TWICE. I was winded and chose the easy way out instead of monitoring my breathing and controlling it. I let it control me. I have a deep fear of failure and I give up on myself easily, so I need that extra push of Mr. Smokin' Hot!

But for now, I'm working on my sissy pushups...

I originally said something about having to do my 1 1/2 miles in 14 min 53 seconds...so thankful I read it wrong...that's what I have to do it in to pass the ACADEMY! :) But I'm still gonna work toward that now!

If you wanna join in the sissy pushup and situp fun, it's simple. Three times a day do as many sissy pushups (see illustration above) and situps (full body situps with your feet under the couch or something sturdy) as you can. Set your goal! I have to get to where I can do 50 sissy pushups and 70 sissy situps then I move on to doing as many regular ones as I can twice a day and as many sissy ones once a day until I can do 50 regular pushups and 70 regular situps each time. I'm building up endurance and stamina...and my arms and abs are gonna hurt like hell in the morning. I LOVE THAT! Here's a two week chart to show your progress!

For the vertical jump, there's no "sissy" version. I have to jump onto something sturdy that is at least 13" high, 20 times, three times a day.

Working on my running. I have to RUN 2 miles every day, 5 days a week. I will be running 4 miles 1 day a week and have one off day. The first 2 miles or 4 miles of my 1/2 marathon training will be all running then I can do my typical walk/run/jog(/crawl) for the remainder of that day's miles.

I will be running my .1869 miles (300 meters) but I'm rounding it up to .2 miles for simplicity. Plus if I can run .2 miles in less than 97 seconds, I obviously will be able to do the .1869 miles in less than 97 seconds! I'll time myself on this tomorrow to know where I stand. Then I will do it every evening, separate from the endurance miles.

So that's the full plan ladies! And even though I'm gonna hurt in the morning, I am still...

Loving MY Life,

Kat

Chemo Sucks, But...

So grateful that this week is basically over! It's been a long week. The lady at the cancer center who scheduled my mom's appointment was definitely right: that first day would be filled with a lot of education!

Mom's first round of chemo started Monday after blood work and a visit with her oncologist. Walking into the outpatient chemotherapy room was like cattle being herded into milking stalls. And that's about what it looked like too. As you walk through the corridor, there are stalls with nice reclining chairs. All the patients are hooked up to IVs that, instead of milking, provide them with their assigned meds. It's a long process. My mom has two different kinds of chemo on Monday then one kind on Tuesday and Wednesday.

She's not had any bad side effects and I'm grateful for that because I'm a sympathy puker. We have an awesome patient advocate there who has done everything possible to assist us with getting the $900 anti-nausea medicine for $10, getting her inhaler for free, and getting us some transportation grants. She's also working on getting my mom's actual chemo medications for free from the company that manufactures them!

I'm grateful for "Perfect Strangers". Not just the ones that I've met online through the SHMC but even the strangers at the outpatient center. The RNs and other staff are wonderful. They're very understanding. Mom had an emotional break when we walked into the outpatient chemo center on Monday. The front desk lady, Betsy, just took her hand and told her it was alright to cry. Then she came around and gave my mom a hug. And has hugged her everytime we've been in this week! What kindness from a stranger!

Today is a day off and it'll be filled with more paperwork to get stuff lined out. If I never have to see a shred of paper that has to be filled out for something, it'll still be too soon. But I know it's not over.

My mom doesn't go back for her next treatment for almost 3 weeks and since she's feeling well, my sister and I are going to take her to the beach for a few days. This will be the first time that my mom gets to go with us to our special place: Tybee Island, Georgia. And she'll get to experience it with the grandbabies too. It'll be extra special. We'll have lots of pictures to post when we get back. We leave Tuesday!

Somedays things don't really seem as bad as they are. We know the reality of the situation but are hopeful and continue praying that God will grant us a miracle for my mom. We take everything in stride and truly celebrate even the smallest positivity we get. We stopped by a store yesterday to pick up something small for my sister's birthda today. I found a brand of cards called "One Tough Chick" and they were awesome. I showed my mom one of the cards they had.

Inside: But if it sucks the cancer right out of you, then "YAY, chemo!"

With love, I accept this journey

It's amazing how one word can turn your life upside down. As I've embarked on my journey to becoming my very best this year, I am faced with another new challenge. This morning, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We don't know details yet as to what kind or even how bad, but I know it's bad. There are tumors in her lymph nodes, a lung, and her back which means it has spread from an original source. It's terrifying and a true kick in the gut for our entire family. And it's a nightmare come true for my mother as she has seen many people at the end stages of cancer, and held their hands or that of their families as the cancer took their loved one.

See my mom is a CNA in a nursing home. It's been her job for over 20 years to care for people, older people, who are near the end stages of their lives. She provides care and love to the residents and their families. And she does her job well! The residents and their families become extended families of hers, thus extended families of mine and my sister's as well.

Two weeks ago, my dad's life was saved by an ER doctor at Cox when an ulcer was bleeding. After 8 pints of blood and a blood-stopping endoscopy treatment, he is home and still recovering. Two weeks to the day that my dad was there, now it's my mom. Simple leg pain that we hadn't been able to find answers as to why it was there. The diagnosis is nothing that we expected but nothing we can't handle either.

I've seen the outpouring of love and support from my friends on Facebook, and from countless people who don't even know me or my family. And for that I can't be more grateful. But my journey to the best me in 2010, to find my Perfect '10 has just gotten turned on it's nose and will challenge everything within me.

I am not the strong one I appear to be. I'm the baby. I'm the one that cries at everything and can't even have a "discussion" without getting emotional. I'm not built that way. I've learned a lot through my journey to find myself again, but I'm not there yet. And I'm scared. And I have to be strong because I get the emotional side of me from my mom. If I'm not strong, she will see that. And she needs my support. She needs to stop being the one taking care of everybody else.

I've made my mom one promise that I intend to keep. My mother loves her hair and the possibilities of losing it to treatments upsets her. I promised my mom that if she loses her hair that I will lose mine as well. That is the one part of her journey that she doesn't have to ever feel alone in. I told her that if that's what it comes to then we will celebrate with having photos done together in our naked heads. The smile on her face radiated from her heart.

For the past 8 months, I have diligently searched for a job. I have been angry and upset and discouraged by not getting hired for one I've interviewed for or for ones that I was never called for an interview when I've been well qualified for the jobs. Now I know why. God has a purpose for everything. This is only a small part of my purpose of the things I've been through over the last 8 months to get me in this place to provide support, encouragement, and loving hand to my mom. I'm needed here. God knows that.

With patience, I will be understanding. With my own support systems in place, I will be strong. With love, I accept this journey.

Kathy

Learning How it ALL Works Together

As you can tell by now, this journey isn't simple. I have some very lofty goals and all you've seen are just one from different aspects of my life. Some of them seem very daunting and some seem pretty simple to obtain. But what I've learned over this fabulous weekend is how they all work together. I will never be my best without all of them coming together. As one goal comes together for me, another one starts to line out as well. I couldn't be more happy with the way that works!

I participated in my second 5K on Saturday with 6 other fabulous Smokin' Hot Mamas. Though my time wasn't anything to brag about (43 minutes 15 seconds), it was braggable simply because:

1) I finished my 2nd 5K! How cool is that?! Since high school, I haven't purposely competed in or completed anything athletic by any means.

2) My time decreased by almost exactly 6 minutes. And that in itself is a great feat for me since I am still out of shape, overweight, and haven't quite come to love running.

3) I ran out that last 10th of a mile with every bit of strength I had. I wasn't just running toward a finish line to get the hell off the road but to finish something I set my mind to!

I also got the book "Women Who Love Too Much" from one of my fellow SHMs. I immediately started reading it when I got home. Wow! I am reading a book that is my life written by someone else. What an eye opener for me to learn why I do the things I do, and how I ended up in the relationship situation I've ended up in. And why, even though I KNOW I can't go back to being abused, used, or unloved in any manner, I am still having a hard time letting the relationship go, 8 months later!

In evaluating everything that happened this weekend, I've realized those aren't the only two things are are changing:

I've found a church! (Thanks Pamela for the suggestion)

I'm quitting smoking!

I will will reach my first mini weighloss goal very soon, possibly this Friday!

I've started my graphic design business!

I'm moving a sticky goal on the 16th for my first 5 mile run/walk!

I'm even getting better at taking a daily photo of my daughter, even if she is just sleeping, to celebrate every day that I have with her because she is such a miracle child!

These all work together in making 2010 my Perfect '10. I'm nowhere near where I will be come New Year's Eve, but I'm getting there. Day by day and step by step. It's onward and upward and I am...

Kat