Life Lessons from a Wounded Person

This past year has been the craziest year in my life. Though I feel wounded at times in a battle of the soul, I find that I have also learned a lot over the last year. I turn 31 this coming March, so I have compiled a list of life lessons (most of which I have learned over the past year and hope to have 31 by my birthday). Maybe it will help someone else or maybe it’s just my own ramblings on paper.

1. Don’t make someone a priority when you will never be their priority. They don’t deserve that much from you.

2. Don’t live your life regretting the things you should have done or not done, the things you should have said or not said. It’s okay to have regrets, but don’t live by them. Change what you can or move on. It does no one any good for you to regret the things you cannot change.

3. Addictions are the hardest things to overcome, but they can with a great support system, willpower and the right motivation.

4. Motivation has to come from within. If you are doing whatever you’re doing because you’re getting motivation from an outside source, you will not stay motivated. It’s great to have support and people to cheer you on, but you have to do the things you do for the right reasons and that comes from only you.

5. Happiness is something you decide. We don’t have to be happy with everything, but when we choose to be happy despite our circumstances, that’s when real change can come.

6. Fake it ‘til you make it. It’s okay to pretend to be confident when you’re actually scared out of your mind. It’s okay to pretend to be happy when you’re not. Faking it can rub off and make it true.

7. Sometimes it’s best to just settle for a slow down. When you slow down and aren’t in such a hurry to get to here or there or to get this or that done, it’s a lot easier to see the joy in the everyday. Settle for a slow down every now and then and joy will come back even when you feel like it’s all gone.

8. Random acts of kindness renew the soul. Do something kind for someone you don’t know, even if it’s something as simple as letting them go in front of you in line, giving them a dime when they’re ten cents short at the vending machine to get what they really want, or ask that lady you see with tears in her eyes if she’s okay. Even if they don’t accept, you’ll feel better both inside and out.

9. Absolutely nothing is better left unsaid. Unless it’s negative. There is so much negative in the world right now, if you have something good to say, say it. Even if you don’t think the person or circumstances warrant it. And, really, if you love someone in any way, you really should just tell them.

10. Failure only truly comes when you stop trying. As long as you are still trying, success can still come.

11. The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. Hating someone means they still hold the power over your emotions.

12. Hurt comes from someone else failing to meet your expectations. Some people say if you don’t want to get hurt, lower your expectations of other people. But I say, why? Keep them high and maybe they’ll surprise you. I’m okay with being hurt every now and then because I’m gonna learn and grow from it.

13. It’s okay to hold a grudge. There are just some people that you want in your life (because either they are good for you OR you are good for them), but you cannot fully trust them. It’s okay to hold a grudge. You know what you can say to them and trust them with and what you can’t.

14. Some people are just gonna stir the pot. No matter what you do, there are some people who have not learned the world doesn’t revolve around them. And they’ll stir the pot until everyone around them has to focus on them. That’s okay, but let it be their drama.

15. Sometimes it’s just best to say your peace and move on. It doesn’t make you a bad person to just say “This isn’t working for me.”

16. Don’t let your past dictate your future. We all have a history full of both good and bad, but they don’t designate where we go in the future.

17. Take the time to open your eyes to the world around you. What is there just might change your life if you take the time to realize what you have when you have it, what you can get when you want it, and what you need when you need it.

18. It can always get worse. I don’t care if you believe you are at the bottom of the deepest pit. Believe it or not, you can always go lower. But when you feel you are at YOUR bottom, it’s time to scratch, dig, crawl, jump, scream, and pull yourself out of the bottom. Knowing that there is always a worse to the situation can better able you to want to move in the right direction because you really don’t want the worst of the worse to happen!

19. Sometimes you just gotta cry it out. We have tears and emotions for a reason and sometimes the only thing to do is have a good cry and get it out of the way. Once you let your emotions settle, then it’s easier to figure out what needs to be done.

20. Everything is better in the end. If it’s not better, then it’s not the end. Really believe in this one. Think about even searching feverously for something. You never find it until you look in the last place. You stop looking for it because you found it. And everything’s better because your search is over and you’ve found what you are looking for. That makes the perfect ending.

21. Love can be blind. It can also be def, dumb, and stupid. But even in the worst of circumstances, it is much better to love than to hate or be indifferent. So love, even if it makes you feel stupid.

22. Everything happens for a reason. We may never fully know the reason but there is one. We don’t always have to try to find the reason, years down the road it could come to us in the simplest way. Just know there is a reason for the negative stuff too. And usually it’s so we learn from it.

23. You cannot change anyone but yourself. You can be supportive, encouraging, and inspirational, but you cannot make anyone change. They have to want to do it for themselves.

24...

Laundry Service??

As a mom, sometimes I wish that I could really afford just to hire someone to do the laundry. That I could just send the laundry out dirty and have it come back clean. With 6 people living in our house, the laundry piles up quickly, especially now with school in session and the girls (my daughter and niece) require both school and play clothes.

But I can't afford it. And now that I think about things a little differently, I don't know that I'd really want to do that. I mean, I get to do laundry because I get to wear clothes everyday, because I'm a living, breathing, singing, dancing, running, laughing Mama. And I have my daughter and niece to prove that's they're living, breathing, singing, dancing, running, and laughing too.

So why is laundry such a dreaded chore? Why is washing the items that we have to have such a dreaded chore? Afterall, I know what cute outfits of my daughter's are in the wash and they're usually in the wash because they're her or my favorites so they get cycled in more often in the "what to wear" items. This is true for me too. I have favorites that I miss wearing when they're sitting in the mountain of laundry. So, why dread it?

Fellow SHM Sheilah and I took on the laundry mat yesterday...not to do laundry together, but to capture some beautiful portraits of her. She's been on a month long challenge to face her truths and dare to reach her goals. It's been a month of self-exploration and it's ending with a new view of herself. I had the pleasure of being the girl photographing her. She was open to my ideas (and had a few of her own). I suggested the laundry mat and she loved the idea.

I captured a few images there that maybe, just maybe, changed my view of the laundry mat. Over the last month, Sheilah has changed her views about herself. Personally, I think this is harder to do than changing our views about a situation or place. If she could do this over a month, I think this one time in the laundry mat has forever altered how I view it and the chore of laundry.

How do you feel about laundry service now?

Kat

My truth about running

I hate running. There is probably nothing that I like less than running (well, maybe washing dishes). I really thought that once I got into my training miles that I would really start to enjoy running. I just don't. I struggle to get up in the morning to put in all my training miles because I hate running that much. I've even had days where I hope to trip, fall, and break my leg just so I don't HAVE to run anymore.

I have to run. I've committed to the 1/2 marathon on 10/10/10. It's not that I don't want to become physically healthy; it's just running is not going to be the way for me. I thought I would learn to enjoy it. Afterall, I enjoyed my first 5K that I did in February. And the one in May. But that's the competitor in me. Even though I knew that I suck at running, I was competing with myself and that still makes it a competition to me and it makes me give it my best. There is no competition in the training miles and it's getting harder and harder to get up and do them.

Yesterday's "run" was the worst. No motivation. Cramps. Sore foot. Horribly hot weather. And then to top it off in the back of my mind I kepting thinking of the words someone from the SHMC posted on my page and I questioned more than ever why I was out at 7 am, with cramps, a sore foot, in the hottest humid weather to run when I hate running!

Those words were simply this: ‎

"Pretending I'm something I'm not because I'm worried of what people will think of me just makes me miserable."

I am NOT a runner, so why the hell am I pretending to be? Why am I doing all of this when running makes me miserable? Why would I keep getting up on very little sleep to do something I don't enjoy? Yes, I feel accomplished after running because I completed my miles or I sweat out 5 gallons of water weight, but mostly I feel accomplished because it's DONE! And I don't have to do anymore running that day! Then I go back to dreading the next day's miles that night before I go to bed.

Honestly, running makes me more miserable than not having confidence in my body or being overweight. After the 1/2 marathon it will be time to find a new avenue for me to achieve my fitness and physical goals. Until the 1/2, I will slave away doing something I hate because I've committed to it and I ain't no quitter!

Anyway, now you know my truth about running. So when you see me not motivated with getting up early in the morning and running, you truly know why! I hate it, but I'm doing it anyway.

Still (even though sometimes I'm not sure why) loving MY life,
Kat

I'm Gettin' There

It's amazing to me how much I respond to music. Whether it's getting ready to party with the girls and dancing to some Lady Gaga with my Baby Gaga or sitting back and relaxing to more mellow music of some 80s love ballads, music speaks to me.

When I was a teenager, I first heard Lila McCann do an acoustic version of "I Will Be," the inspiring song for my blog. I still remember exactly how I felt listening to her sing the words to the song. It's my all-tme favorite song now, so I scoured the internet for a video of the song to post to help inspire others.

Though I couldn't find the song, I came across this song of her's that I had never heard before. The song struck with me well today as I was very emotional, for no apparent reason. I just wanted to share it with any of you who are following along my journey and traveling your own journey of "getting there" as well.

Everything Happens for a Reason

It's been a while since I posted to my blog. Life has been extremely busy, so I'm gonna get caught up now, before I get busy working on some more stuff to finish out this extremely busy month!

I am not a religious person. I believe in God and I believe in the power of prayer. I have my other spiritual beliefs as well, but I'm not here to discuss religion, other than I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for things that happen in our lives. Everything happens for a reason; sometimes it takes a long time for us to see what that reason is, if we ever really get to.

I've had a lot of things happen in my short 30 years on Earth. And I'm dealing with a lot of them now. I spoke with an older relative today who told me if anyone deserved a mental breakdown, I definitely do. I'm living a life of events that cause major depression in many people. I took an online "Life Stress Score" and my score was 488. The section I'm in is for 300 and above..."High susceptibility to stress-related illness. Daily practice of relaxation skills is very important for your wellness. Take care of it now before a serious illness erupts or an affliction becomes worse." Surprise, surprise!

But I also know that everything happens for a reason. I'm here for a reason that God put me here to deal with these issues now. And to possibly mend the relationship with my mother that has suffered because of a selfish act she commited 16 years ago. And the goal is to do all this without being resentful. Somedays I'm angry because I am my mother's "person" right now. I'm the one who takes her to all of her appointments, gets her medicines filled, and calls to make sure her insurance information has been updated on the massive pile of bills. I have to be strong for her after years of her choosing selfishly to not put my sister or me first in her life. It's been hard because she is a good person. She worked as a CNA for many years, caring for strangers, but I was also devestated that these strangers received more care and concern than me or my sister did from her. A good friend of mine told me that I am here to do this, to be her "person", so that MY daughter will see what it means to forgive and to see how love is supposed to be. Maybe this is happening so I learn how to forgive.

I'm also in contact with someone now who has not been in my life for the past 17 years. It's a great friendship and we are here for each other as we go through different but similar issues in our lives. That connection we had when we were 13 years old is still here. As everyone says, if it's meant to be it will be and everything happens for a reason. It's not a situation I want to involve myself in as more than a friend at this time, but I will say a beautiful friendship is growing. We've even had disagreements that did not become heated arguments. That's pretty good for me. Maybe the reason this is happening is for me to learn patience.

After 10 long months of questioning myself for leaving my husband I recently realized that it has led me to where I am right now. And as everything happens for a reason, it is much easier to accept and realize that that part of my life is over. And that finally, I no longer wish and hope to have it back. Finally, we are able to work together as co-parents of our daughter instead of battling each other over every little thing. Letting go of that relationship and that love that I had has released me to move forward with less anger. Ten months ago, I never thought I would get to this place, but now that I'm here, looking back on the last 10 months, I know that they happened for a reason.

The reason everything happens is often not clear to us as we're going through our journeys of life. I think sometimes you have to take a step back from your own life and look at it through someone else's perspective. There is always a reason. Finding the reason behind it all can make the hard knocks of life easier to deal with. I don't know if my "reasonings" are the same reasons in God's design, but I'm able to better manage the roller coaster of my own life. While still smiling.

Loving my life,
Kat

Blessed by Being Famous in a Small Town

Living in a small town community, I often take for granted living in a small town community. Sometimes it's great that everybody knows your name and sometimes you just want your own space. I can't go anywhere in this town without somebody asking how my mom's doing with her treatment and at least once a week someone who stops me at the store has tears in their eyes as they talk about my mom. It's emotionally draining. And I'm reminded by Miranda Lambert's song "Famous in a Small Town" that there are both good and bad about living in small town community.

But we are BLESSED by living in a small town. The ladies that worked with my mom at the nursing home put together a benefit dinner and auction for this past Saturday. As people gathered in for the dinner, I was more than proud of the community that I live in; I was so happy that this is where we live. More than 60 families were in attendance at my mom's benefit. I was overcome with emotion as I watched families who live in our rural area, who often live paycheck to paycheck, donate large sums of money and purchase items at the auction for a rediculously high amount. Tears streamed down my face as I watched in awe of these wonderful people in our lives. I literally had to take an emotional break from the room and thank God for the gift of our small town.

Another part of the small town community is that you actually build bonds with people around you. Like I said earlier, I can't go anywhere without people asking me about my mom or telling me stories of my mom and how she has affected their lives by taking care of a family member when she worked at the nursing home. Even the Police Chief came by the benefit, still in uniform of course. The outpouring of love and support of these great people cannot be compared to that of any other place, I don't think. We're blessed by being here.

The goal of the benefit was to assist us in covering my mom's medical costs and travel expenses. This great community provided our family with that and more. It did my mom's spirits good to see how many people care about her and were willing to do whatever to help us in whatever way they could. What a true blessing.

Thanks will never be enough.

Sissy Pushups!

So I met on Wednesday with my new personal trainer, Mr. Smokin' Hot (ironically enough S and H are his initials). He is a friend of mine, is very athletically built and has personally ran a full marathon. He's been supportive and enouraging since he learned that I was running my first 5K back in February. When I shaved 6 minutes off my time during my second 5K in May, he was so proud of me. Now I have my 1/2 marathon in October that I'm starting training for AND the physical test in August for the Springfield Police Department to get into their academy.

I'm not physically fit. I haven't been in a long time, if ever, but I'm getting better every day. Every day I get out and do something active but now it's time to step up my game! On Sunday, August 15, 2010, I will be tested and must pass each section to move onto the next section of the physical agility test:

15 push-ups (no time limit)
24 sit-ups in one minute
Minimum vertical jump of 13 inches
300 meter run in a maximum time of 97 seconds
1½ mile run in a maximum time of 18:29

So today is day one and it's nothing but a bunch of sissy pushups and situps and jumping up stairs. I speed walked 2 miles this morning with a friend. I mapped out my 300 meter run (just under .2 miles, on a completely flat roadway). I just finished up my second of three sets of sissy pushups and situps and still have my third to do later this evening. I'm waiting for this Sunday to roll around to be forced to RUN the full 2 miles because I gave up on myself Thursday morning, even though I accomplished a major feat in running up a hill that feels to me like a mountain TWICE. I was winded and chose the easy way out instead of monitoring my breathing and controlling it. I let it control me. I have a deep fear of failure and I give up on myself easily, so I need that extra push of Mr. Smokin' Hot!

But for now, I'm working on my sissy pushups...

I originally said something about having to do my 1 1/2 miles in 14 min 53 seconds...so thankful I read it wrong...that's what I have to do it in to pass the ACADEMY! :) But I'm still gonna work toward that now!

If you wanna join in the sissy pushup and situp fun, it's simple. Three times a day do as many sissy pushups (see illustration above) and situps (full body situps with your feet under the couch or something sturdy) as you can. Set your goal! I have to get to where I can do 50 sissy pushups and 70 sissy situps then I move on to doing as many regular ones as I can twice a day and as many sissy ones once a day until I can do 50 regular pushups and 70 regular situps each time. I'm building up endurance and stamina...and my arms and abs are gonna hurt like hell in the morning. I LOVE THAT! Here's a two week chart to show your progress!

For the vertical jump, there's no "sissy" version. I have to jump onto something sturdy that is at least 13" high, 20 times, three times a day.

Working on my running. I have to RUN 2 miles every day, 5 days a week. I will be running 4 miles 1 day a week and have one off day. The first 2 miles or 4 miles of my 1/2 marathon training will be all running then I can do my typical walk/run/jog(/crawl) for the remainder of that day's miles.

I will be running my .1869 miles (300 meters) but I'm rounding it up to .2 miles for simplicity. Plus if I can run .2 miles in less than 97 seconds, I obviously will be able to do the .1869 miles in less than 97 seconds! I'll time myself on this tomorrow to know where I stand. Then I will do it every evening, separate from the endurance miles.

So that's the full plan ladies! And even though I'm gonna hurt in the morning, I am still...

Loving MY Life,

Kat

Chemo Sucks, But...

So grateful that this week is basically over! It's been a long week. The lady at the cancer center who scheduled my mom's appointment was definitely right: that first day would be filled with a lot of education!

Mom's first round of chemo started Monday after blood work and a visit with her oncologist. Walking into the outpatient chemotherapy room was like cattle being herded into milking stalls. And that's about what it looked like too. As you walk through the corridor, there are stalls with nice reclining chairs. All the patients are hooked up to IVs that, instead of milking, provide them with their assigned meds. It's a long process. My mom has two different kinds of chemo on Monday then one kind on Tuesday and Wednesday.

She's not had any bad side effects and I'm grateful for that because I'm a sympathy puker. We have an awesome patient advocate there who has done everything possible to assist us with getting the $900 anti-nausea medicine for $10, getting her inhaler for free, and getting us some transportation grants. She's also working on getting my mom's actual chemo medications for free from the company that manufactures them!

I'm grateful for "Perfect Strangers". Not just the ones that I've met online through the SHMC but even the strangers at the outpatient center. The RNs and other staff are wonderful. They're very understanding. Mom had an emotional break when we walked into the outpatient chemo center on Monday. The front desk lady, Betsy, just took her hand and told her it was alright to cry. Then she came around and gave my mom a hug. And has hugged her everytime we've been in this week! What kindness from a stranger!

Today is a day off and it'll be filled with more paperwork to get stuff lined out. If I never have to see a shred of paper that has to be filled out for something, it'll still be too soon. But I know it's not over.

My mom doesn't go back for her next treatment for almost 3 weeks and since she's feeling well, my sister and I are going to take her to the beach for a few days. This will be the first time that my mom gets to go with us to our special place: Tybee Island, Georgia. And she'll get to experience it with the grandbabies too. It'll be extra special. We'll have lots of pictures to post when we get back. We leave Tuesday!

Somedays things don't really seem as bad as they are. We know the reality of the situation but are hopeful and continue praying that God will grant us a miracle for my mom. We take everything in stride and truly celebrate even the smallest positivity we get. We stopped by a store yesterday to pick up something small for my sister's birthda today. I found a brand of cards called "One Tough Chick" and they were awesome. I showed my mom one of the cards they had.

Inside: But if it sucks the cancer right out of you, then "YAY, chemo!"

With love, I accept this journey

It's amazing how one word can turn your life upside down. As I've embarked on my journey to becoming my very best this year, I am faced with another new challenge. This morning, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We don't know details yet as to what kind or even how bad, but I know it's bad. There are tumors in her lymph nodes, a lung, and her back which means it has spread from an original source. It's terrifying and a true kick in the gut for our entire family. And it's a nightmare come true for my mother as she has seen many people at the end stages of cancer, and held their hands or that of their families as the cancer took their loved one.

See my mom is a CNA in a nursing home. It's been her job for over 20 years to care for people, older people, who are near the end stages of their lives. She provides care and love to the residents and their families. And she does her job well! The residents and their families become extended families of hers, thus extended families of mine and my sister's as well.

Two weeks ago, my dad's life was saved by an ER doctor at Cox when an ulcer was bleeding. After 8 pints of blood and a blood-stopping endoscopy treatment, he is home and still recovering. Two weeks to the day that my dad was there, now it's my mom. Simple leg pain that we hadn't been able to find answers as to why it was there. The diagnosis is nothing that we expected but nothing we can't handle either.

I've seen the outpouring of love and support from my friends on Facebook, and from countless people who don't even know me or my family. And for that I can't be more grateful. But my journey to the best me in 2010, to find my Perfect '10 has just gotten turned on it's nose and will challenge everything within me.

I am not the strong one I appear to be. I'm the baby. I'm the one that cries at everything and can't even have a "discussion" without getting emotional. I'm not built that way. I've learned a lot through my journey to find myself again, but I'm not there yet. And I'm scared. And I have to be strong because I get the emotional side of me from my mom. If I'm not strong, she will see that. And she needs my support. She needs to stop being the one taking care of everybody else.

I've made my mom one promise that I intend to keep. My mother loves her hair and the possibilities of losing it to treatments upsets her. I promised my mom that if she loses her hair that I will lose mine as well. That is the one part of her journey that she doesn't have to ever feel alone in. I told her that if that's what it comes to then we will celebrate with having photos done together in our naked heads. The smile on her face radiated from her heart.

For the past 8 months, I have diligently searched for a job. I have been angry and upset and discouraged by not getting hired for one I've interviewed for or for ones that I was never called for an interview when I've been well qualified for the jobs. Now I know why. God has a purpose for everything. This is only a small part of my purpose of the things I've been through over the last 8 months to get me in this place to provide support, encouragement, and loving hand to my mom. I'm needed here. God knows that.

With patience, I will be understanding. With my own support systems in place, I will be strong. With love, I accept this journey.

Kathy

Learning How it ALL Works Together

As you can tell by now, this journey isn't simple. I have some very lofty goals and all you've seen are just one from different aspects of my life. Some of them seem very daunting and some seem pretty simple to obtain. But what I've learned over this fabulous weekend is how they all work together. I will never be my best without all of them coming together. As one goal comes together for me, another one starts to line out as well. I couldn't be more happy with the way that works!

I participated in my second 5K on Saturday with 6 other fabulous Smokin' Hot Mamas. Though my time wasn't anything to brag about (43 minutes 15 seconds), it was braggable simply because:

1) I finished my 2nd 5K! How cool is that?! Since high school, I haven't purposely competed in or completed anything athletic by any means.

2) My time decreased by almost exactly 6 minutes. And that in itself is a great feat for me since I am still out of shape, overweight, and haven't quite come to love running.

3) I ran out that last 10th of a mile with every bit of strength I had. I wasn't just running toward a finish line to get the hell off the road but to finish something I set my mind to!

I also got the book "Women Who Love Too Much" from one of my fellow SHMs. I immediately started reading it when I got home. Wow! I am reading a book that is my life written by someone else. What an eye opener for me to learn why I do the things I do, and how I ended up in the relationship situation I've ended up in. And why, even though I KNOW I can't go back to being abused, used, or unloved in any manner, I am still having a hard time letting the relationship go, 8 months later!

In evaluating everything that happened this weekend, I've realized those aren't the only two things are are changing:

I've found a church! (Thanks Pamela for the suggestion)

I'm quitting smoking!

I will will reach my first mini weighloss goal very soon, possibly this Friday!

I've started my graphic design business!

I'm moving a sticky goal on the 16th for my first 5 mile run/walk!

I'm even getting better at taking a daily photo of my daughter, even if she is just sleeping, to celebrate every day that I have with her because she is such a miracle child!

These all work together in making 2010 my Perfect '10. I'm nowhere near where I will be come New Year's Eve, but I'm getting there. Day by day and step by step. It's onward and upward and I am...

Kat

The Weight of the Matter

I will never be skinny. I wasn't blessed with good genes for ripped abs and tight muscles. I have a flat wide butt that isn't really gonna get much smaller because I've got very womanly hips. I don't want to be skinny. Curvy with less fat is my goal now, especially the belly fat.

When I was 12 and puberty struck, I was horrified by the little belly pudge that I started to get. I was embarrassed by it. When high school started, I weighed 152 pounds but gained over 30 pounds in one summer of lifting weights for volleyball. I thought people only saw the fat and didn't see the fact that I could vertically lift 220 pounds with just my legs.

When I started college, the freshman 15 became the college 40 for me. Then marriage and pregnancy brought on the additional 20 pounds. I weighed 242 pounds in January of 2009. I started at the gym and lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I watched what I ate, even measured my food. I did great for 3 months, until life threw a curveball and I left my husband for a week for the first time. When I went back, I was more worried about getting my marriage on track than I was about my health and losing the weight. Afterall, he had married me at 220. In September, I left him permanently. I was still hovering around 225 pounds.

Through encouragement of the SHMC, I've started running. I'm working on making better food choices. I'm not perfect and sometimes it just doesn't go my way. I'm a stress eater (and smoker, at least until my quit date). But the weight is coming off.

When I started my journey this year, I weighed around 225. I have a lofty goal of losing 73 pounds to put me at my lowest weight I ever remember weighing - 152. It's a slow progress for me. And some weeks I gain back what I've lost depending on what's going on in my life. Now, I have 64 pounds to go. I managed my weight down to 216.2 pounds in the last 3 weeks, since weighing in at 224.6 pounds. My pants are so loose, I can pull down almost every pair I have without unbuttoning them. Even my underwear fall down, especially when I run. Shirts are less tight around my chest. Sadly, my boobs are going quickly. But when I look down, I see my boobs, not my boobs and belly so that's a plus even if my boobs are shrinking at an incredible rate.

I'm happy. I'm proud of myself. I'm running the weight off and running toward new goals. My first "sticky goal" will be moved very soon. Only 1.2 pounds to go to my first manageable sticky goal. Boy am I excited. Next will be the sticky goal to put me under the 200's. A place I haven't been in a long time. My second 5K is tomorrow and I've already made a list of 5Ks and a 10K that I get to do this summer. My friends are involved with my life change. And I've made some fabulous new friends in the process too who are all improving their lives as well.

It's not just weight that I'm losing, but a frame of mind that I don't deserve the best for myself and my daughter as well. I'm gaining self-respect, self-confidence, and much needed self-love. The weight isn't the matter, it's the inside that is.

I'm not there yet, but I will be...

How Hard am I Actually Working to Meet My Goals?

Several months ago, I set goals for my "Perfect '10". I'm not very diligent at meeting those goals so far this year, but for once I haven't given up either. To increase my accountability, I'm putting the Top Goal from each category and where I'm at. This is a very open message to myself that 4 months into the year, I need to refocus and regroup with myself about these goals!

Career

1. Start a graphic design/photography/party planning business

Okay, so thanks to encouragement and support from the SHMC, I have actually started this! Sent in my paperwork to the State of Missouri this morning and started a website (kathymageedesigns.blogspot.com).

Financial Goals

1. Save money for deposits and rent for my first apartment.

I didn't do this when I got my tax return in. I knew I wouldn't. Something about all that dough and nothing to show for it seems so appealing at the time that I'm spending it! Okay, not really. Maybe my first financial goal should be to set a budget! Not that I have any income right now, but it wouldn't hurt to have a plan for when I do.

Physical Goals

1. Lose 70 pounds.

I'm nowhere closer to this goal yet. I've dropped 5 or 10 pounds, then gained it back. I am toning up or something because my panties and bottoms are looser.

Mental Goals

1. Find a reason to laugh every day.

I think this one I have in the bag now. My daughter is the best at finding ways to make me laugh. Now, I'm trying to start taking my daily photos to remember those moments!

Family Goals

1. Spend at least one night a week focused on Sheryl.

I'm bad about this, to completely focus on her for an entire evening with so many people in the house. But I have been doing some fun stuff with her that we didn't do before. She's addicted to Mac and Cheese that's microwavable. For the 3 1/2 minutes that it's cooking, we dance and sing in the kitchen. Sheryl's version of Sugarland's "All I Wanna Do" is now one of my favorite audio recordings on my phone!

Spiritual Goals

1. Find a church I'm comfortable with.

This is a super hard one for me. I've been to a couple of churches a couple of times, but haven't found my fit yet.

Lifestyle Goals

1. Get my own place.

Well, this one isn't happening right now. I've got no income and virtually no job prospects.

Hmmmm, looking at these goals that I've had since before the new year and seeing that for my number one in each, I haven't really accomplished much is rather disappointing. I'm disappointed in myself because I know that I can do all of these. Something's stopping me...is it time? money? effort? willpower? lack of initiative?

I could say. I know what the excuse is, but it's just an excuse.

*Note to self: Get off your lazy ass Kathy and do something...change something...anything. Stop acting as if you're gonna get somewhere by doing nothing. It's not gonna happen. You know that, woman! Make the most out of each day. Stop complaining! Work hard and play hard. Take your time and do it right! You can make it happen!*

Anyway, here's to another week of working toward my goals. Now that I've given myself a little pep talk and we're seeing eye to eye of what I want to accomplish, it's back at it. Stronger, harder, faster, better.

-Kat

What I Need

A few weeks ago, I met with a friend for dinner and we talked about our mutual relationship problems. She was recommended a book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. In talking about the book and my relationships with men, it became apparent that this is a book that I need to read. I think it's going to become a pass-around book as I'm waiting to receive it from her when she finishes it, and I can already think of the next person it's going to when I'm done. But in the meantime, I've decided to do some research on what exactly it means to be a woman who loves too much because I always had the ideal that you can never have too much love or love someone too much.

There's a list of 15 characteristics of women who love to much. And I was shocked to figure out that I consist of 13 of those 15 characteristics. I have found that two of them sum up my role in relationships over the course of my entire dating life, starting 14 years ago when I was 16.

1. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.

I'm a smart woman, but I am drawn to men who live chaotic lives. Focusing on their chaos allowed me since my first boyfriend at 16 (who was on house arrest by the way) to not have to look myself in the mirror and face my insecurities of not feeling pretty or attractive. I'm drawn to men who need fixing. I seem to think that if I love him enough, he will change because of me. I believe love has that power. But it's just an avoidance mechanism of not facing my own responsibility to myself.

2. If female, you are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such nice men boring.

In high school, I broke the heart of a friend because I wasn't attracted to him the same way he was to me because he was kind, stable, reliable, an interested in me. As a friend, we got along great, but as relationship potential there wasn't any because I found him boring. In college, I dated a wonderful guy for a few weeks. He was kind, stable, reliable, and definitely interested in me, but I found something lacking in that relationship as well. I was bored. I had nothing to do. I didn't see the relationship going anywhere because I wasn't needed by him to make his life better. I left that boring relationship to pursue an emotionally unavailable guy, who simply used me for several years in college.

Then I met my husband right after I graduated college. He was divorcing, had a son, was unemployed, and was emotionally challenged. I again thought I could help him. I could change him and he would love me. Even throughout our marriage, I can look back and see all the times I tried to change him. How I pushed for what I thought was best. And how in the last 7 months, I still have problems letting go of that relationship even though I know it's detrimental to my well-being, and even in some ways, his. We used to joke throughout our marriage that at least we could never say it was boring.

In the few times I've attempted to date since I've been separated, I find myself drawn to those same type of men who aren't boring but aren't emotionally available to me either. The bad boys, you know those ones who have a past that you probably don't really want to know about. The ones your Mama warned you about. The ones who are going to leave me in their ruins as they pass through.

I absolutely love the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a beautiful story of a woman, Gigi, who is trying to find love. She over-analyzes everything she does and everything men do. Like Gigi, with everything that happens with a man, I call and collect opinions from all of my girlfriends to get their opinions on what's going on in my life: keeper, get rid of him, hold out for a little while, check into him more, slow down and see where it goes. And I'm constantly watching for the signs of whether or not he's really into me. And I have to say I'm completely clueless.

I'm clueless because if I'm interested in him, I want him to be interested in me. That's the way it's supposed to go. And my interest in a man causes me to conduct myself in a manner that is pattern specific to women who love too much. I do all of this because I want to be loved and right now my view of love means that I am needed by someone else. I'm a good person (and one of these emotionally-unavailable-to-me men even said on the good person scale of 1 to 10, I'm an 87) and know what it is I deserve. Even one of my favorite songs "What I Need" reminds me that I should just hold out instead of trying so hard to convince him of how great I am:

"What I want is to hold you, because my world without you is just another lonely place to be. But what I need is to hold out, until you have no doubt there's only one love for you and it's me. So, I'll be strong, 'til you can believe in what I need."

But I still find myself following the patterns of being a woman who loves too much...

I accept sex when I want love

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long

I attempt to convince others of what they ‘should’ think and how they ‘truly’ feel

I become resentful when others will not let me help them

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires

I have difficulty making decisions

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never ‘good enough’

I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want

I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own

I'm waiting for the tools I need to change this about myself. I'm embarking on another new journey, a journey to relearn how to love without loving too much. I'm looking at my knowledge of my relationship habits as being in recovery from an addiction. I'm addicted to the pain, the chaos, the drama, the love I give. I have to stop expecting that in a relationship. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not put myself through the emotional hell that I do. Admitting is the first step to changing this within myself...

Always Running

Since Sunday, I haven't run. At least not on the track anyway. I am always running. I'm either running to something, from something, and on occasion I'm known to run my mouth! This week was no different. Tuesday was spent running to the phone to call 9-1-1 to get an ambulance for my dad. Wednesday was spent running from my emotions of being scared that we might lose my dad and running to my phone to update anyone and everyone who loves my dad. Thursday, I ran to an old "friend" for comfort and I ran straight into complication with his "you know I love you to pieces, right?" Friday, I ran around getting ready for my dad to come home. And tomorrow I will start running on the track again!

What am I really running from? A post on the Smokin' Hot Mama Club's website (http://www.smokinhotmamaclub.com/) was just what I needed to read today to make myself stop and think about what I'm really running from. I'm challenged with "cutting the crap" and being real! That's one tough challenge for a woman who takes pride in being able to hide behind the crap and cover up everything I don't want people to know about me. So in true Smokin' Hot Mama style, I'm posting my list of insecurities here on my blog! *deep breaths*

This is me, Kathy Magee...

• I have a bachelor's degree that I have never used (and $60,000 in student loan debt I don't know how to pay for). I'm two classes and an internship shy of a Master's degree. And I don't want to finish it. I don't even know if the criminal justice field appeals to me!


• I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and shave my face because of it. I have dark brown hairs growing on my chin and my neck and I get a 5 o'clock shadow if I'm not meticulous in the hair removal.


• I am a woman who loves too much. And I love the wrong kind of men. And I have a hard time giving up on the wrong relationship because I think if I just love him enough, the way he needs to be loved, then he can change. And I will get my happily ever after fairytale when he changes and when he sees how great I am. I will bend over backward to make that happen. I've even used sex in an attempt to keep a relationship that I knew was doomed.


• I have never felt pretty for more than a few hours. My hair, makeup, clothes, and shoes have to be perfect for me to experience a brief moment of happiness in how I look. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror but I will pick over every single flaw for minutes at a time every time I look in the mirror. I just can't see what others tell me is there.


• I doubt myself every single day for every single decision I ever make. I require reassurance from other people. I'm scared of how I'm screwing up my daughter's life every single day. And I'm scared I will never get my life on track.


• I have a convertible that's back window is duct-taped to keep the water out. The seals around the doors leak too. I keep a blanket on the seats to cover up the food and drink stains. I have trash piled on the floors, including fast food bags, half-drank bottles of mountain dew, and empty packs of cigarettes. I'm embarrassed by my lack of concern for taking care of the appearance of my car.


• I get angry easy. At my parents, at my child, at friends, at cars on the road, at life in general. I yell and cuss a lot. On occasion, I've been known to throw things.

These are things I run from by hiding them behind a facade of fake confidence, fake smiles, and fake happiness. I'm not sure how I'll learn to embrace or change (if that's what this journey leads me to do) these insecurities just yet. But I know I can't run from them when they are written out and available for anyone and everyone to read. I can't run from them when I truly look inside myself at what makes me insecure.

I do for once know what I'm running to. I'm running to a new life, a new perspective on being a woman and a mother. I'm running to fabulous friends for support and encouragement every time I need it. I'm running to kiss my daughter as many times a day as I can and tell her I love her. I'm running to my goals, one slow step at a time.

Always running isn't always bad.

Day 2 of 28 to a Healthy Life

For as long as I can remember, I've been smoking. I never planned on being a smoker, mostly because my parents were smokers and it never seemed appealing to me. I got a job in the fall of 1997 working at Sonic in a nearby town. Girls there smoked; the friend that I rode with smoked. So, I started. Man it helped with stress. I didn't realize 13 years later, I would still be smoking.

In my path of self-rediscovery, I am embarking on becoming a non-smoker once again. I quit while pregnant with my daughter. I quit again after having my daughter when I did aricular therapy. This lasted for 3 months. I tried again in January of 2010 to quit cold turkey and it didn't even last a day.

I'm running now. And running a lot...okay, walking a lot and running a little. My lungs can't take it. I've put 12.5 miles on my $50 running shoes in the past week. I have a 5K on May 1st, another one in July, a 10K in August, and my first ever 1/2 marathon in October. I HAVE to quit smoking.

I'm an all-the-way-in kinda girl. I jump without looking. When I'm set, there's no hesitation. So, why am I hesitating on this? Can I really not live a life without the puffing on a cigarette when I'm bored, when I'm driving, when I'm talking on the phone? That can't be! I won't let it be!

I'm a list maker for everything. And I'm also one of those people who believes if you don't write it down, it didn't happen. So, if I don't write it down, it won't happen. I've vowed in front of over 2500 Smokin' Hot Mamas that I will be smoke free come May 13th. I've constructed by 28 Days to a Healthy Life schedule. I'm on day 2. And even though I'm allowed my standard pack-a-day today, I have a goal of no more than 16 because that's what I smoked yesterday on the first day of the healthy life journey to stop smoking.

I will be a non-smoker on May 13th. I will have run my 2nd 5K come May 13th. I will be getting better with each passing day.

My Journey

When I was little girl, I dreamed of going to college and getting out of the tiny town I lived in. I worked hard throughout high school to get scholarships to college. I worked hard through college to get my degree. I didn't know my life would turn upside down in a moment and I would be back living not just in that tiny town, but that tiny 2-bedroom house of my parents along with 5 other people, my daughter included. But here I am...

Without all those things I thought I would have by the time I turned 30 a month ago! I'm divorcing. I'm jobless. I live with my parents. The only property I have are two suitcases of clothes, a car, and a room full of my daughter's toys. Oh, I have a cell phone. Even the computer I'm using isn't mine. I have no privacy, no space, and no time to be sitting around bitching about the things I don't have.

What I do have is the most fabulous group of women supporting me along my journey. These women include my sister and best friends that I've known forever. But they also include an enormous group of women, most of whom I've never even met. I didn't know that this group would be changing my life simply by forcing me to look at my life differently.

So, this is my journey. My journey to find me again. I'm working on the physical me through running. I will complete my 2nd 5K on May 1st. I will complete my first half marathon on October 10th. My official stop smoking day is May 13th! I'm working on the mental me through reworking my brain to be positive and to stop being self-loathing and angry. I'm figuring out how to change this woman who loves too much and always hopes that man or this friend will change to be what I need. I'm working on the spiritual me through reading and reflection. I believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I have a hard time finding the handle!

I hope that you will come along with me on my journey. I'll tell more about myself as I post where I'm at in my journey. I'm working hard on myself for me and my beautiful 4 year old daughter. I'm not there yet...but I will be!